Would you rather walk through crap or swim in puke?

if you chose the former option, YAY! Me too! If it’s the latter one that appealed to you more gross, What is wrong with you?! If you thought neither, then boring! And if you actually don’t mind both, then it’s just too disturbing for me to try to dissect your thoughts,

Sticky situations, the kind where the options we have are awful and we don’t choose based on what we like the most, instead we decide what we dislike the least and choose it. if you live in a democracy and vote, you are probably very familiar with this situation.

Recently I was literally in a sticky situation, with oils and sticky foul smelling vile liquidy stuffs. I was accompanying my mother for her yearly ayurvedic massages when she felt it proper that I get one too, in the words of the massage therapist- ‘it would soothe you and satisfy yourself so you wouldn’t give in to cravings.’ Somehow I got the feeling that she wasn’t talking about my dietary habits.

I wrongly assumed that massages are supposed to calm yourself and just trying it out isn’t going to hurt much, is it? YES, IT DOES.

massage

To make a few things clear, it’s an ayurvedic massage with the earlier mentioned oils and other sticky vile things. It’s vigorously rubbed everywhere while you lie defenseless. My social skills aren’t always at it’s best when I don’t have my clothes on, so I was desperately trying to self-soothe myself by being in my happy place while she tried to deform my bones-that’s what it felt like. I was reading a book while snuggling to Robert Downey Jr when- ‘Why are you so bony, paapa(local slang for child)? I can fee-el your bones, see?’

Now, not only do I know she’s touching things, but also paying attention to details. I am too stressed out to even go back to my happy place, now I want to know things.

‘Do I remember waxing?’

‘Is she staring, if yes. AT WHAT?’

‘I want to curl up and die’

Finally the ordeal was over, and I was half way out of the door while trying to muster up whatever little dignity I felt I had left, when her voice again boomed – ‘Paapa sit’ and motions to a chair. I must have gawked at her with no sign of intelligence for she went on to say ‘Bath time, paapa‘. My mother failed to mention that after the massage at this particular center, they insist on giving you a bath. A THOROUGH ONE. You know wash you here and-ofcourse you know what a bath is, I’m rambling as I am mentally scarred. I don’t even want to go in detail about how I felt during the bath. Betrayed, naive and bare(that’s not a feeling, BUT I FELT IT) would be a few.

And I killed myself. The end. Ok…so I may be over-reacting a tiny bit, but let me tell you this, ayurvedic massages are not for the faint hearted or self-conscious twits like me.

Going back to the title, i would rather walk through crap AND swim in puke than get an ayurvedic massage ever again. E-V-E-R.

Or maybe not the puke part, eww.

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