Bad blood

And I still turn my back

I’m annoyed because I’m upset. I hate that I make myself vulnerable despite countless lessons advising me otherwise. I trust too easily. My roommate of two years decided to shift the hostel and informed me just a week before the planned day. Under normal circumstances this seems rude but not totally unforgivable. But here’s the whole story- It was her idea to go apartment hunting for a cozy flat. While I have been pestering owners at odd hours during my vacation, she changed plans without even having a decency to inform me. Apartment hunting isn’t a fun job especially when you are a clueless adult-only-by-age and the only question you deem as significant is regarding the view from the balcony. I accidentally stumbled upon this news from mutual friends. It’s never nice to be the last one to know about someone who has been sleeping on the bed beside yours for two years. Since it was the whole ‘don’t let her know that we told you’ thing, I just gave an impassive look when she told me recently. We, a group of 4-5 friends swore that we would never shift into the official college hostel where she’s now shifting since its rat-infected, has 8 hours of water supply when you are lucky and complete lack of privacy(you have to leave the floor if you want to talk on the phone). This was as unappealing to her as it was to us. But now, things have changed, her on-off boyfriend is officially on the ‘off’ mode and since in her solar system he is the sun, she has decided that she doesn’t need any privacy anymore and thus the shift. I used to be her shoulder every night/morning/noon when she cried every third minute over him. I used to give her relationship advice which I myself didn’t fully understand just to comfort her and also frequently gave her compliments to starve her raging insecurites. She’s a person who feels that the only way to rise  is by stepping on a person’s head and not by making your own stool and I have let her step over me countless times just to let her feel good. I’m pretty confident about myself and I don’t let the little things nag me so I figured this would be therapeutic for her. I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I came to know I was to be an aunt in a couple of months and everyone was excited, she just tutted about how unfortunate it was that my sister might be delivering her baby just around the time of my exams. She greys every bright scenario with her opinions and subtle harshness. I just felt sorry for her, to hate yourself so much that you reach a point that you can’t stand others to be happy seemed sad not something to be cautious of. Anyways, I’m not usually this bitter about things but I have to admit this is becoming a fad. I think I’m confusing help with something else. What I think might be helpful for a person is actually making them worse. Sympathy given at wrong places can really come back and bite your rear.I feel exhausted now and I’m glad it’s all out. I can’t tell her how I feel because then the whole waterworks and the self-depreciating comments will explode. I don’t want to endure anymore. I actually wrote a similar post a day earlier and quickly deleted it thinking it was too harsh. Despite all that I wondered how she would react if she ever read this which is very unlikely. I hate that she’s got this influence over me that’s making me write a post at 1:30 in the morning. I wish I was more mature, more stronger. But bleh, What the hell. I need a break and this is my personal space and if I can’t vent honestly here then I don’t even know what I’m doing with a blog in the first place. Hopefully I learnt my lesson for good this time. Treat people the exact way they treat you. Not a bit more, not a bit less. Pretty harsh but it seems practical to my current mood.