Why I won’t cry if you die

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This may sound extremely harsh but just by being dead isn’t really going to wipe your board clean. As long as there are hearts that you have trampled on callously, still beating out there, I doubt the ‘being dead’ clause exempts you from anything.  If you were a horrible mean terrible excuse of a human being while being alive I don’t know why they call us stone hearted when we don’t shed a single tear for your funeral. Death is sad. I would never wish untimely death upon anyone even at my lowest moments but I’m not going to stand there and pretend that I’m more upset about it than I really am. In doing so, I’m just insulting the whole grieving process for those genuinely upset.

I just had a very vivid dream where I was attending my grandfather’s funeral who is very much alive actually. I only woke up with a start when I fell down somewhere in the dream. After coming to my senses, I realised I was more shaken up by the virtual fall than the death. Does that make me a bad person? My grandfather has never let a single opportunity pass in which he could taunt me, my sister and my mother. My mother doesn’t have a single dominant bone in her body which is why she was my grandfather’s favourite child. By favourite I mean, the one he could mentally abuse for several years without having to face any repercussions. Unfortunately for him, he found her a feminist groom and his days of fun were strictly limited to vacations when my father wouldn’t be there. When I was a child, he convinced me that I was possessed which is why I was acting up. Apparently a spirited girl wasn’t even a possibility. I remember the humiliation of having to sit at the center for rituals that would exorcise the demon away. All this done secretly without my parents knowing ofcourse. Things didn’t get better as I grew older. I learnt to ignore him for the most part and to hold my ground. My mother loves him unconditionally despite his flaws. I’m not sure how she can love somone who does what he does just for the sake of entertainment. But even unconditional love has it’s limits. He crossed my mother’s line(he had sprinted past ours long ago) one day and she just couldn’t take it anymore. After all the drama, it brings me great joy to type that they don’t live with us anymore in our vacation home. They stay at my uncle’s now. We severed all ties and I don’t know if I should be feeling this but I feel amazing. I used to hate travelling to India because that meant having to endure him. Now, we as a family spend more time in the family home together. The dogs are doing so much more better too! I don’t spend any moment of the day dwelling on him because I have learnt to embrace the positivity and let go of the past. That doesn’t mean I’m going to forget all that he has done. I won’t. I won’t be thinking about him since he isn’t worth my time. I’m once again sorry if this sounds extremely rude.

Hatred is heavy. It burdens you unnecessarily. I believe there are some people out there that don’t deserve even our hatred. They deserve nothing from us.

Getting back to the question in hand, Am I stone-hearted if I admit to you that I most definitely will not shed a single drop of tear at my grandfather’s funeral? Or am I just human with a heart just like all?

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38 thoughts on “Why I won’t cry if you die

  1. Emotions are complex, at one moment you realize you have control over and at the very next, you find yourself doing something you least expected. I won’t call it being stone hearted as I have seen both my grandparents pass away to a better world and not a single drop flowed when I attended their funeral. But later I caught myself being angry over not being so emotional. I don’t know, I have shed a few for other reasons which I hoped to have taken a different part and when it didn’t I had been upset. But death is different, a state of being powerless and accepting what you are served. It’s complicated yet simple. But emotions is down right complex calculus and 5th dimension mixture.

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    • It was just a dream and it woke me up, REAL good. I have cried over silly things but regretting it won’t get me back all those wasted tears so I don’t think about it. I don’t think we can really control our emotions, atleast not how we really feel behind the forced smile or grim face. I just know that the only emotion I’ll be feeling on the day my grandfather passes away will be leaning more towards relief than anything. And I don’t think I can change that anytime soon.

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  2. What made him acting like this? It is not an excuse but I don’t think he is aware of what he does. In the end terrorising, humiliating, hurting others is always a sign that the person is not able to deal with himself. So whatever that person does has nothing to do with the people he throws the negative energy to. We cannot do anything about that but only understand it is not about us. Someimes it helps when we know how that person became who he is and that his fight with himself is much harder than your fight with him. You can turn away and walk away from him… he can’t.

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    • He’s obsessed with power. His father was quite rich back in the days and he had access to servants looking after his every little whim. After his father passed away and the family money reduced by a chunk, he started panicking. He felt that if he didn’t force authority on everyone he knew, he would just be the old sick man that he really is, that no one would respect. He’s entangled love and respect in his head and this is his twisted way of taking control of his fear and earning respect. Atleast this was what I used to tell myself when I had to pick myself up from his verbal blows. By the end, I stopped making excuses for him long before my mother did, it was quite hard for her since she had been doing it for more than 40 years while her siblings ignored him. My kind mother means well but there’s only so much you can do when a person himself doesn’t want to change things.

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      • It is right. As long as the person doesn’t consider a change you can’t to anything about it. Although it is hard you (I mean “you” in general) can only find your own way of protecting yourself. In the end this might be the only way that the other person wakes up and starts looking inside himself. But perhaps he already did and knows that recognizing what he did would break him completely.

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      • I don’t know about him but I’m mighty glad that my mother decided to face reality by waking up. He seems to still be in hibernation mode though..you are right, maybe he’s scared to wake up. He has good reasons to be so too.

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  3. So first of all, I definitely don’t believe in glorifying a person after they are dead. It reminds me a bit of my husband’s backwards Midwestern hometown where they will say lousy things about a person when they are alive and then all run to his funeral and tell everyone they were their best friend.

    As for grandparents, my mother had a lousy relationship with her father (my grandfather).He softened a bit when i was born but by the time he was in the nursing home struggling with senility we were both just kind of waiting for him to go.

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    • I have never understood glorifying a person after they are dead too! My grandfather isn’t going to go down in my book as a great human just because he dies. The people in my town usually do the exact same thing. I think it’s rather insulting to the people who are genuinely sad. I hope I never turn into a hypocrite just because someone dies. It’s sad and unfortunate but it doesn’t really change the events that took place when he/she was alive and well. It just maybe blurs it a little..sometimes but that’s all.

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    • I know I probably won’t feel guilty for not feeling bad too. Thank you, though. It’s not easy to admit that. Especially with all the ‘love your enemies, be human’-compassion talks going around everywhere! 🙂

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      • It’s hard to love and respect someone when there is no respect returned. It’s not that I didn’t try to see what was behind my grandma’s actions — maybe her childhood was difficult? — I gave her many chances and was burned every time. There comes a point we have to protect ourselves from attacks whether verbal or physical.

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      • I’m sorry to hear that. I tried to make excuses for him but I got tired of it in the end. There’s only so much we can do for someone so stubbornly set in their path.

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  4. Really interesting post and very thought-provoking. Relationships are so complicated. I have cried at funerals and then been shocked that I did. I realized that I was sad for what should have been good in our relationship and never was.
    I had a baby die many years ago. I literally think about her every day, and tear up at some point every day missing her. But I had a complicated and more-bad-than-good relationship with my parents. I was sad when they died, but don’t often think of them. When I read a post on Facebook, for example, where people post that it is the anniversary of a parent’s passing, and how not a day goes by without their thinking about them and missing them, I wonder if it’s an exaggeration. That they say what they think they should say. Or I just can’t relate at all.
    It’s very sad that your grandfather is the way he is. As you know, no one can change him. I’m glad you’ve found some peace on your vacations.

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    • I’m glad too! 🙂 Whenever I see people glorifying their relationship with someone who isn’t living anymore, I often wonder how much of that is actually true. Many would probably have had strained relations that they seem to have wiped clear after the concerned’s passing or just don’t want to seem cold by being honest. I’m not going to pretend to be upset to satisfy a few curious people that would indulge in a gossip about it. I’m human and I don’t want to disrespect myself by faking my emotions. I’m so sorry to hear about your baby. I can’t imagine what you must have gone through. Your baby is fortunate to be loved and remembered by you.

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  5. Great words again from you! (Hi, I was formerly askauntycath.com and have moved my site to “Cat in the Cactus” – I hope you will follow me again as I really value our chats! I’m following you from my new site). Anyway, back to your post. It was great and reminded me of the relationship I had with my grandmother. Ultimately unloving, and I couldn’t cry when she died. I could really relate to your post. Thanks again.

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    • Hiiii! 😀 I tried stalking you a few days back as I hadn’t seen your posts on my reader and I got a little worried which reminded me of your post on MIA bloggers and made me worry EVEN more. Something was up with the blog? I’m a dinosaur when it comes to anything related to the internet, so I’m glad now that I can stalk you easily 😀
      That’s unfortunate about your grandmother. I’m glad you could relate though 🙂 and THANK you for finding your way back here! 😀

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  6. Good riddance to bad rubbish!! I too have a horrendous grandfather. Cut him out of my life 18 years ago and never looked back. I hope he dies a long painful and wretched death. He is a pedophile rapist, so you see the man deserves to die in the WORST way possible. Some things aren’t ever meant to be forgiven in my book.

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    • Whoa! That’s horrible. Mine is just a mean old fool and I hate him, I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. You are right. I don’t think everything under the sun can be forgiven even if you are a gem of a person.

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      • Honestly, I only think of the man a few times a years. I was never a victim of his… but someone very near and dear to me was. Certain things don’t *deserve* forgiveness, ya know? For the record honey, emotional abuse such as the kind your grandfather dishes out is very damaging and isn’t to be taken lightly, but I think you know that. Xoxo M

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  7. Nope. You’re not. I often wonder why people make such a fuss on a funeral. Just because they might be labeled cold-hearten. People who didn’t get along. And yet they had to act as if they liked the person that passed away… It’s a lie. Nothing more. I’d rather be honest and don’t put up a show for everyone else.

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