This may sound extremely harsh but just by being dead isn’t really going to wipe your board clean. As long as there are hearts that you have trampled on callously, still beating out there, I doubt the ‘being dead’ clause exempts you from anything. If you were a horrible mean terrible excuse of a human being while being alive I don’t know why they call us stone hearted when we don’t shed a single tear for your funeral. Death is sad. I would never wish untimely death upon anyone even at my lowest moments but I’m not going to stand there and pretend that I’m more upset about it than I really am. In doing so, I’m just insulting the whole grieving process for those genuinely upset.
I just had a very vivid dream where I was attending my grandfather’s funeral who is very much alive actually. I only woke up with a start when I fell down somewhere in the dream. After coming to my senses, I realised I was more shaken up by the virtual fall than the death. Does that make me a bad person? My grandfather has never let a single opportunity pass in which he could taunt me, my sister and my mother. My mother doesn’t have a single dominant bone in her body which is why she was my grandfather’s favourite child. By favourite I mean, the one he could mentally abuse for several years without having to face any repercussions. Unfortunately for him, he found her a feminist groom and his days of fun were strictly limited to vacations when my father wouldn’t be there. When I was a child, he convinced me that I was possessed which is why I was acting up. Apparently a spirited girl wasn’t even a possibility. I remember the humiliation of having to sit at the center for rituals that would exorcise the demon away. All this done secretly without my parents knowing ofcourse. Things didn’t get better as I grew older. I learnt to ignore him for the most part and to hold my ground. My mother loves him unconditionally despite his flaws. I’m not sure how she can love somone who does what he does just for the sake of entertainment. But even unconditional love has it’s limits. He crossed my mother’s line(he had sprinted past ours long ago) one day and she just couldn’t take it anymore. After all the drama, it brings me great joy to type that they don’t live with us anymore in our vacation home. They stay at my uncle’s now. We severed all ties and I don’t know if I should be feeling this but I feel amazing. I used to hate travelling to India because that meant having to endure him. Now, we as a family spend more time in the family home together. The dogs are doing so much more better too! I don’t spend any moment of the day dwelling on him because I have learnt to embrace the positivity and let go of the past. That doesn’t mean I’m going to forget all that he has done. I won’t. I won’t be thinking about him since he isn’t worth my time. I’m once again sorry if this sounds extremely rude.
Hatred is heavy. It burdens you unnecessarily. I believe there are some people out there that don’t deserve even our hatred. They deserve nothing from us.
Getting back to the question in hand, Am I stone-hearted if I admit to you that I most definitely will not shed a single drop of tear at my grandfather’s funeral? Or am I just human with a heart just like all?