I really should be sleeping but obviously my mind seems to think that my shadow seems like a valid excuse to get kicked out of class tomorrow for catching up on my sleep that I’m losing NOW.
I’m actually tracing doodles on the wall with my thumb and trying, and failing miserably to make shadows of a scary dog. My impression looks just like a hand. Which it obviously actually is. *sighs*
Speaking Writing of shadows, Recently I did something I’m not entirely proud of but would probably do it again if I had another chance. One of my closest friends has basically fallen for a guy who, for a refreshing change, I genuinely like. So YAY rainbows and unicorns everywhere. However me,being ME figured I’m not going to lose anything if I’m a little cautious. I convinced myself that it’s for the sake of my sensitive friend but who am I kidding..it’s really just for me to put my mind to ease. So I basically did what Indian families do when they find someone they like on the matrimony site, I asked around for a background check. NO,DON’T. I KNOW.
Anyway, the point is NOBODY knows the guy. Despite spending around 5 years in a college, none of the juniors or seniors know him!!
It’s too risky to check with his batchmates since I don’t want him to get wind of this and realise that one of his ‘soon to be-girl’s’ best friends has..erm questionable habits. By the time I realised I shouldn’t be interfering and that I could always make him miserable IF he hurts her I realised he was probably just like a shadow at college.
Down the lane, when some person with the same questionable habit(who is hopefully as harmless and a little pathetic, if you may, like me) asks my juniors or seniors about me I don’t want them to rave about how ‘awesome’ I was(because let’s face it they won’t) but I don’t want them to not know me either. I read a really nice post recently that I can’t seem to find now since my net is having moodswings, stating that humans seem indecisive about many things. We don’t know if we want to stand out or to blend in by belonging somewhere? I am tired of literally, standing out in school. At 5’10 where the average height is 5’5 (boys and girls) standing out was inevitable. Leadership skills? I can’t even say no to a person without following it up “hahah, I’m just kidding ofcourse, I’ll do it” . I’ll probably be the squad leader who would approve Hitler’s decisions to carry out his version of ‘cleansing’ the human race inorder to avoid the discomfort at watching his sad expression if I were to deny his request.
It’s too late or early-now at 4 am, depending on how you look at it to ponder if I should try to stand out or blend in. So I’m just going to perfect this shadow of the dog that still looks like a deformed hand and do things that I usually do without worrying about whether it will impact the world or not. As long as I’m being myself and doing things that make me happy, I don’t think anything else matters. Although I must learn to reign in the “mother hen” tendencies to try to run a pathetic attempt of a background check on people and just learn to trust them to not hurt anyone I know and love. Or atleast trust my little ‘chicks’ to be able to fend for themselves. Hats off to parents everywhere. I don’t know how you don’t give in to that desire to lock your children in to keep them safe. One naive amazing friend and I want to keep her locked up high in a tower so that she doesn’t hurt herself. Awesome. It’s 4 am and I sound like a sexist creepy evil witch from a fairytale. It’s not going to end well for me if this continues, is it?