Nobody other than Taylor Swift has said that to me and really meant it. She was screaming it to the cute guy in the video but I choose to ignore that.
I’m a malayalee NRI who is studying in Tamil Nadu. To make this easier on those who aren’t familiar with the terms used above, I was raised in a different country and my family originally hails from a state in India and I study in ANOTHER state in India. Phew. Yeah I think I nailed it. So what’s the big deal? Everyone moves. The thing is every single place is completely different. From the languages they speak – English,Arabic mainly in Dubai, Malayalam in Kerala and Tamil in TamilNadu to the mindsets quite liberal in Dubai, not so much in Kerala and Tamil Nadu. Anyways I don’t think geography is really an excuse, but that’s all I have for now.
I have never really ‘fitted in’ anywhere despite my attempts to do so. I’m an extremely friendly person that would shower smileys at you online or talk non-stop in our first meeting. I try so hard to make the other person more comfortable by joking about that I don’t even realise that I haven’t taken efforts to make +myself comfortable!
The thing is, I just ended a really toxic friendship with someone recently. It should be feeling good but instead the whole process of him screwing up-me getting mad-he apologizing profusely-me getting less mad-he being really nice-me letting it go-he screwing up AGAIN had become some sort of vicious circle that weirdly enough offered me some sense of stability. I don’t know how to explain it. I would know that, that particular friend would soon do something he would regret and blame it on his “state of mind” and I would feel sorry for him. Somehow I started depending on this terrible predictable pattern to function.
But you know what, it’s been way too long that I put my comfort and my ‘state of mind’ or whatever above somebody’s that clearly doesn’t value mine. I’m done craving approval from others while the only approval I should be bothered about is solely mine. There are some people in the world that no matter how many chances you give are bound to mess things up. I might be that person to someone else,who knows. But I’m done for now.
I spent most my life trying to be the ideal daughter, granddaughter(my grandfather can’t stand me, so it obviously didn’t work! I’m not complaining, he isn’t the perfect mentor I want in my life or anything.), friend that I forgot to be me. Very cliché and even more true.
I’m a little upset and I’m likely to be that way for a few hours or days so no, I’m not going to say something funny just because you aren’t feeling too good or because I’m supposed to do so since that’s what I DO! I’m going to mope for a while because I want to. And more importantly I CAN.
I have come way off topic now that I don’t even remember what I wanted to blog about in the first place. The point is for now I belong with me and the rest of my prized ‘possessions’ will just have to wait.