You belong with meeee

Nobody other than Taylor Swift has said that to me and really meant it. She was screaming it to the cute guy in the video but I choose to ignore that.

I’m a malayalee NRI who is studying in Tamil Nadu. To make this easier on those who aren’t familiar with the terms used above, I was raised in a different country and my family originally hails from a state in India and I study in ANOTHER state in India. Phew. Yeah I think I nailed it. So what’s the big deal? Everyone moves. The thing is every single place is completely different. From the languages they speak – English,Arabic mainly in Dubai, Malayalam in Kerala and Tamil in TamilNadu to the mindsets quite liberal in Dubai, not so much in Kerala and Tamil Nadu. Anyways I don’t think geography is really an excuse, but that’s all I have for now.

I have never really ‘fitted in’ anywhere despite my attempts to do so. I’m an extremely friendly person that would shower smileys at you online or talk non-stop in our first meeting. I try so hard to make the other person more comfortable by joking about that I don’t even realise that I haven’t taken efforts to make +myself comfortable!

The thing is, I just ended a really toxic friendship with someone recently. It should be feeling good but instead the whole process of him screwing up-me getting mad-he apologizing profusely-me getting less mad-he being really nice-me letting it go-he screwing up AGAIN had become some sort of vicious circle that weirdly enough offered me some sense of stability. I don’t know how to explain it. I would know that, that particular friend would soon do something he would regret and blame it on his “state of mind” and I would feel sorry for him. Somehow I started depending on this terrible predictable pattern to function.

But you know what, it’s been way too long that I put my comfort and my ‘state of mind’ or whatever above somebody’s that clearly doesn’t value mine. I’m done craving approval from others while the only approval I should be bothered about is solely mine. There are some people in the world that no matter how many chances you give are bound to mess things up. I might be that person to someone else,who knows. But I’m done for now.

I spent most my life trying to be the ideal daughter, granddaughter(my grandfather can’t stand me, so it obviously didn’t work! I’m not complaining, he isn’t the perfect mentor I want in my life or anything.), friend that I forgot to be me. Very clichΓ© and even more true.

I’m a little upset and I’m likely to be that way for a few hours or days so no, I’m not going to say something funny just because you aren’t feeling too good or because I’m supposed to do so since that’s what I DO! I’m going to mope for a while because I want to. And more importantly I CAN.

I have come way off topic now that I don’t even remember what I wanted to blog about in the first place. The point is for now I belong with me and the rest of my prized ‘possessions’ will just have to wait.

32 thoughts on “You belong with meeee

  1. Hey hope you are doing fine. Take some time off for yourself and get your things right.
    I too possess the same quality; a need to fix broken people. Tried many times and have been affected too. The thing with broken things is, if you try to fix it, there are chances you cut yourself in the process. The older people where wise to instruct us about glass but dumb to not include people in it. -_-
    If you have distanced yourself from this person. It’s a wise decision.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In order to offer our true friendship, we have to nurture ourselves first….otherwise we have nothing to offer and the toxic people will suck the life out of you. Good for you for recognizing this person was only dragging you down. There’s nothing wrong with you belonging to yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey, love. Sending hugs all the way across the globe. I’ve SOO been there. Not even kidding. It sounds like you might be a tad codependent. It’s hard to put yourself first or do right by yourself when you are codependent. It’s not easy, but I’m super proud of you for being strong and doing for YOU. Once you realize that you only have to work hard to make one person happy and proud, life gets easier. That one person is you, in case you didn’t catch my drift πŸ˜‰πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜˜

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dubai to Kerala and now Tamil Nadu…quite a transition. Though Kerala and Tamil Nadu are quite similar ryt? How about trying Mumbai next? If you can survive in Tamil Nadu, Mumbai should be a roller coaster ride..and then Goa isn’t too far away from there…that’s where I come into the picture…we could meet πŸ™‚ u see how I connected the dots πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Awh I’m so sorry to hear! But hey it’s for the best, you deserve better, if you kept forgiving and going back to this friend then he’ll just take advantage of you and the vicious cycle would never end! And I get what you mean about wanting others approval. I’ve always tried to be really nice and understanding towards others, and I just got out of a toxic friendship too, and my friends questioned everything I did, they questioned my motive behind every good thing as if I was doing it because I had some horrible intention behind doing something good. So i’ve given up trying to please them and prove to them that I don’t have any horrible intentions towards the good stuff I do. You should just not let it get to you too. Hope you’re feeling better

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heyy you! πŸ˜€ One of these days, I’m going to extract your entire story from you. It sounds really interesting. I wonder what you must have gone through since you always offer the right advice to me and it sounds like you are speaking from experience most of the time. πŸ™‚
      I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing. It’s hard to break habits. Especially the forbidden ones.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha one of these days you’ll get the full story πŸ™‚
        From your posts I can tell that you’re doing the right thing, sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do but it’s right so no matter what we have to do it and break those forbidden habits

        Liked by 1 person

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