I’m scared. I feel absolutely helpless. It deems fit that it’s world’s mental health day but it’s hardly a coincidence considering the duration of my best friend’s struggle. How do you convince someone that there’s so much to look forward to? How do you convince them to live happier as well longer? There are days I’m able to avert a couple of negative thoughts and maybe make him smile or laugh sometimes because of me but mostly at me. This sounds selfish but there are days it’s overwhelming. I catch myself mid thought and chide myself “If you feel exhausted by offering to share a ridiculously tiny amount of his weight occasionally, Imagine how he feels lugging it around everywhere, All the time.”
He is so selfless that he tells me to not talk to him everyday as he feels that he’ll bring me down. I show faces and lightheartedly tease him “As if“, I say while feeling a pang of guilt within for wishing it wasn’t always this hard for the both of us. He has all the help offered to him, Shoulders to lean or even cry on,medications and seeming ‘everything’ but yet it might as well as be nothing.
Sometimes I feel he’s being ungrateful, ‘He has everything. He has all of us. Is he even trying? Shouldn’t it be enough? Shouldn’t we be enough?’
But that’s the tricky part of mental illness. It isn’t about you now, Is it? It’s a huge blow to the egos of those trying to help. But it’s never about us. This might seem obvious to you, I might even come across as conceited “Ugh, It’s obviously about the person who is suffering. Who does she think she is making it all about herself?”. I know. But when your best friend tells you semi-regularly that he doesn’t think he has anything to offer to the world and is wondering why he’s even here in the first place and then cribs about failed multiple attempts to rectify that mistake (according to him) after months,and maybe years of you doing your best, Your other friends,Therapists and his family doing all they can and making sure he gets the help he deserves and requires, You can’t help but feel choked and defeated yourself. You begin to wonder what’s your purpose? Are you making it worse for him? Do you give him space when he wants to relax a bit? Do you cut the call when he says he wants to be alone? But what if you do leave him alone and then something horrible happens and then you’ll realize you could have prevented it all by just staying on the line, talking? Or do you force him to talk to you and disrupt his peace and muddle up his already confused thoughts? What if you are having a bad day yourself and you say the wrong thing? Then, What? Are you sure your friendship is helping him or making it worse?
I can only try. I hope he does too.